Still Here, Still Writing: Special Anniversary Edition
This site first went live September 3, 2025. A year later, I am still putting my heart and soul out into the world. A year full of unknowns and holding onto the last shred of life. A story of struggles, fear, loss, kindness, bittersweetness, anger, mental illness, despair, healing, hope, faith, love, and growth. There were so many times I wasn’t sure I had what it took to keep going. I just wanted to douse it all in gasoline, throw a match, and never look back. My nervous system was completely wrecked, so I decided to take a break. With a much-needed six-month hiatus, I finally had time to focus on my mental health. I was able to process some of the negative things in my life that were holding me back. Once my mind was clear and focused, I was able to come back and continue my story. In this special edition post, I will be compiling some of my best writing from this last year. You’ll get to witness my evolution and growth in black and white.
FROM “WHAT IT MEANS TO STRUGGLE”
As someone who grew up in abject poverty, I know a thing or two about what it means to struggle. I remember the struggle meals that were our go-to, grocery shopping at a time when food stamps came in a physical booklet like paper money, getting hand-me-down clothing and having to use the same backpack and shoes until they were so ragged and torn, my parents had no choice but to buy new ones. Can I blame them for trying? No, of course not. Do I wish it was different? Absolutely. Sometimes, I wonder what my life would have been like if I didn’t have to struggle in order to be where I am today. Whatever your definition of struggle is, don't let it keep you stuck where you are.
FROM “YOU DESERVE TO BE HERE”
I was dealing with my own personal mental illness and so I spent the day wandering the local neighborhood, having lunch in the park where I was feeding pigeons, and reminding myself why I am still here. Because too many times I have tried to erase myself from existence. Too many times, I had refused to see my own worth. Too many times, had that dark place been my only friend. If you have been in that place, you know what it feels like. You start to run out of answers and question if you have what it takes to even keep going. You begin to isolate from friends and family because you don't want to feel like a burden. All feels hopeless, and each day you sink further into the dark space wondering if you'll make it out on the other side. Eventually, life becomes bearable again. Second by second, you get better. Minute by minute, you are able to breathe deeper. And day by day life doesn't seem so hard. It does get better. I am living proof that we can make it through the hard times.
FROM “FEAR, FREEDOM, AND THE FIRST STEP”
Bravery isn't about being fearless; it is about doing things in spite of the fear. We talk about courage like it's a loud battle cry or fearless leap. Most of the time it is quiet. It is the small decision to keep moving, even when your stomach is in knots and your voice shakes. Fear doesn't really disappear; it just becomes part of the rhythm. I used to think I had to wait until I wasn't afraid to start something new. But freedom, I have learned doesn't come after fear, but through it. For a long time, I mistook fear for a stop sign. I thought it meant not yet, not ready, or not good enough. So, I waited and waited; sometimes days, months, or years even. That perfect moment to feel brave never came. The truth is, it isn't supposed to. Bravery doesn't show up first; it follows after you've already started walking.
FROM “WHEN THE ROAD GETS DARK”
I always knew life was hard, but nothing hit quite like realizing adventure doesn't magically erase struggle. It just relocates it. Full of ups, and downs, and twists and turns, life is anything but messy and chaotic. Nobody grows from comfort. We grow from the moments that challenge us, corner us and force us to decide who we want to be when things aren't easy. Life has a way of throwing curveballs just to see if we are paying attention. But the truth is, every hard moment we survive becomes proof that we can survive the next one. We don't get stronger by avoiding the storm. We get stronger by walking through it and coming out the other side with your head still up and spirit still kicking. I have learned through everything that you just have to keep going, no matter what. Never lose focus. It's easy to believe the detours mean failure, but often they're the part that teaches you how badly you want the destination. Keep your eyes on the long game. Always try to find a way to push through, and remember that a setback isn't a verdict. It's a pause.
FROM “NEW AND (SLIGHTLY) IMPROVED
Life has thrown so much at me lately and it’s very overwhelming to say the least. Obviously, life is not meant to be an easy road to travel. Our trials and tribulations help us to grow in ways that comfortability can’t. I have traveled to many distant places to find myself. In the end, I only needed to look inward for the answers I was searching for. It feels like I’m a whole new person, and I finally know who I am and where I belong in the world. For the first time in my life, I know what my future looks like and why I have been put here. It took me over 40 years to become the person I am today. It wasn’t perfect and some days were harder than others, but I never gave up. I remained optimistic that life can always get better as long as I kept faith and hope alive.
FROM “PROGRESS OVER PERFECTION”
Anyone can succeed at their goals. Dreams can come true. Anyone can get to the finish line. Know what it is you want and give it name. Give everything you got to make sure it comes to fruition. Lastly, don’t give up until you have it. When I think of future me, I can picture myself beaming with joy and light. A beacon of hope in these dark times. Surrounding myself with people who love me, support me, and ultimately just want the best for me. When I think of that future, it makes me want it that much more. The only way to become that person is through persistent and continual disciplined effort.
FROM “A DIFFERENT KIND OF GRIEF”
It has been really hard lately. Full of anger and bitterness. Full of fear and loneliness. I spent most of the week in a fetal position on my bed crying and yelling at the ceiling. Wishing I could wake up from this awful nightmare. Wishing this was some kind of cruel joke. I was so ready to give up. I wanted to get blacked out drunk and go play in traffic. Or play chicken with an oncoming train. Or turn my thighs into ground meat. When you have been suicidal like I have been most of my life it’s easier to come up with methods than facing your monsters head on. I have tried too damn hard to get my mind right only to be thrown back into depression and heartache. And once again I feel like I’m drowning. It has been a really hard couple of weeks, and I’m trying to keep pushing like nothing’s wrong. But avoiding the issue doesn’t make it go away. It only makes the monster grow bigger. Covering my pain with alcohol only caused me to hurt those I truly care about, including myself.
FROM “WHAT FAMILY MEANS TO ME”
The people who we choose to love us become the ones that are our ride or die. The ones we call when we are in need. The ones who will love us unconditionally, but will still tell it to us straight when we mess up. The ones who go to bat for us and do right by us. The ones who may have to make hard decisions when it comes to our health. And even the ones who still enjoy our presence knowing our faults and messy human-ness. Most of my life, I have struggled to find this kind of connection. I have severed many friendships and relationships by avoiding problems that can arise. Better late than never, I had to learn the hard way that being vulnerable is what makes relationships stronger.
FROM “THE WORLD CUP: IT’S GIVING… UNITY”
The negativity we see so often in the media looks like the future is doomed and we have no way of getting out unscathed. We’re often faced with racism, classism, homophobia, ableism, and simple hatred for people who are only living life the best way they can. But media conglomerates only shows a fraction of the whole picture. There is kindness, generosity, humanity and a strong desire to have something more then what we are currently being offered. We long for community and true connection. Both have become a survival tool and the reason many of us are still here. The greatest example of community I have seen recently has come out of something no one expected. We all had our doubts and resistances, but have since come to learn we had no reason to be scared. And we have the world’s football fans to thank. The FIFA World Cup has come to the Americas. And it’s been a non-stop party since the opening ceremony. This is more than football; it’s a global celebration. When I come across videos I can’t help but get a bit emotional at the pure joy I am seeing. It reminds me how much fun we can have together without all the political noise.
FROM “GROW THROUGH WHAAT YOU GO THROUGH”
Life doesn’t come with instructions and sometimes the only way to mature and grow is by facing the hard things. We have to ride out the storm through to the other side. Through these hardships we learn self-reliance, resourcefulness, and critical thinking skills. As a young adult, I never had a true support system in place and these skills became my tools for survival. It takes a lot of strength and bravery to go through life on your own. You have to learn lessons the hard way because there is no manual for surviving in adulthood. It takes a lot of trial and error, yet there are still lessons to learn, mistakes to be made. I have made so many mistakes in my life, but ending up homeless and jobless is the one that hurts me the most. At one point I had so many good things going for me and I just threw it all away. I did what I always would in the past; I tried (and failed) to run away from my problems. Unfortunately, that only got me so far. I don’t regret the hard things I have dealt with because it all made me who I am today, and it all taught me things that will take me through to the end. My only hope is that you can learn from my mistakes and do better than I did.
FROM “HOW DID I GET HERE?”
It wasn’t long ago when I was going through a rough period. Finding myself in a homeless shelter, jobless and penniless. I was still dealing with burnout. My mental health was in serious decline. The time I spent abroad did little to repair my life. It was only after learning of my prognosis that I began to appreciate the little things in life. Sometimes it takes tragedy to open our eyes to the beauty of living. Birds chirping in the morning. A child’s laughter. Cute kittens and puppy breath. Ice cold lemonade on a hot day. Rain storms. The perfect song on the drive home. Watching the clouds go by. Star-filled skies. Splashing around in the pool. Hearing the ice cream truck down the street. Feeling the breeze or the sunshine on our face. The smell of fresh clean sheets. Enjoying a meal that we spent time to make. Wild flowers growing on the side of the road. Many of us take these things for granted. Life gets busy and we forget to stop and enjoy what the world has to offer.
Until the next Spark,
Kat
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