On Fear, Freedom and the First Step

"Fear is a reaction. Courage is a decision." -Winston Churchill

Bravery isn't about being fearless, it is about doing things in spite of the fear. We talk about courage like it's a loud battle cry or fearless leap. Most of the time it is quiet. It is the small decision to keep moving, even when your stomach is in knots and your voice shakes. Fear doesn't really disappear; it just becomes part of the rhythm. I used to think I had to wait until I wasn't afraid to start something new. But freedom, I have learned doesn't come after fear, but through it.

I have never been much of a risk taker in my life. I lived in my comfort zone, rarely venturing beyond its borders. Until this journey the bravest thing I had done was buzz my shoulder length hair to mere millimeters. That was New Years of 2022 and I have kept it buzzed ever since. It was very freeing and liberating not having to figure out what to do with my very frizzy and unmanageable hair everyday, so I did an insane thing in order to save my sanity. Shaving my head was something on my bucket list that I wanted to do for a very long time, though I was too scared to actually do it. Only after seeing how my roommate felt after she had shaved her head was it something I actually thought was possible. And it was one of the best decisions I ever made for myself.

Now, I am definitely not saying that in order to be brave you have to shave your head or travel through a foreign country alone. All I'm saying is there comes a time in everyone's lives where fear gets in the way of who we actually need to be. A version of ourselves the Divine has created us to be. If we never go beyond our comfort zone, we will never truly know who that person could be.

For a long time, I mistook fear for a stop sign. I thought it meant not yet, not ready, or not good enough. So I waited and waited; sometimes days, months or years even. That perfect moment to feel brave never came. The truth is, it isn't supposed to. Bravery doesn't show up first; it follows after you've already started walking.

That first step is always the ugliest one. It's clumsy, awkward, uncertain. But it's also the one that changes everything. Once you take it, fear loses a little of its power, and freedom takes its place. It was there all along, just waiting for you to make a move.

As the sun was going down the other day and night was setting in, I realized I had nowhere to stay for the night and I was miles away for any kind of accommodations. And as I already walked almost 11 miles that day, I knew my body was telling me to quit for the day. There were residences nearby and I froze with fear as I wanted to go and knock on their door and ask if they would be kind enough to allow me to stay for a night. I didn't have a plan. I didn't have confidence. What I had was one shaky breath and a decision: ask for kindness or find somewhere to camp out for the night. The problem with the latter option was, I knew there was rain coming and if stayed outdoors, I would get drenched. Unfortunately, I could not find a local willing to open open their home for me that night and by morning all of my gear and myself included were soaked from the rain.

Doors didn't open for me that night, not the way I hoped they would. A polite shake of the head, an apologetic smile, and I was back on the road, the weight of rejection sitting heavy on my shoulders. But as I kept walking, something unexpected happened: I found a short trail that led to some wooded area and I was able to find a decent camping spot. I took the "no" and turned into an experience: my first time trying out cowboy camping. Cowboy camping is where you campout without a tent. And like I said earlier, I was drenched head to toe by morning, so not a good decision on my part. But live and learn, I guess.

That's the part no one talks about: sometimes you take the the first step and fall flat. Sometimes bravery doesn't lead to a cinematic victory; it just leads to another mile, another try, a different method. But even then, something shifts. You start to trust yourself a little more. You learn that courage isn't a guarantee of success; it's proof you were willing to show up, even when the ending was uncertain.

And maybe that's what freedom really is: not the absence of fear or failure, but the quiet knowledge that you can keep moving anyway.

Until next Spark,

Korey